Empathy in Leadership

Recently, I had a conversation with a new supervisor who was feeling beaten up by their team. They were concerned about whether their team trusted and respected them as the new leader. The supervisor mentioned needing to be the "bad guy" and wondered if I had experienced anything similar.

Absolutely, I have.

I explained it like this: You went from being on the same level as the team to becoming their supervisor. Right now, you're “up here” (imagine I'm holding my hand high above my head). You're questioning everything—“Are they talking about me behind my back? Will they take direction from me or blow me off? Do they trust me? Respect me? How do they really feel about me?”

Over time, you’ll settle into your new role, and the team will adjust to your leadership style. You’ll still have some questions, but you’ll also start to develop a sixth sense about how your team feels. (Now my hand has lowered to my shoulders).

Eventually, you and your team will fully acclimate, and that sixth sense will kick in. You won’t have to ask those questions anymore; you’ll have a good read on where things stand. (My hand is now at my chest, straight line through. You’ve found your groove).

Regarding needing to be the bad guy...

I said that they shouldn’t be the bad guy to their team, but rather the bad guy for their team, showing they have their team's back.

Starting as a human first has always worked for me. Asking questions out of genuine curiosity, rather than as a tactic to score brownie points, builds meaningful relationships. Spend intentional time asking your team questions to understand what drives them, what they engage with, and what they dislike working on (even if some tasks can't be avoided).

This supervisor mentioned that a human-first approach hadn’t been modeled by their higher-ups, who had different philosophies. That’s a cultural issue.

That’s okay. Cultures can change.

I told them to cherry-pick the good from everyone they can learn from and implement it in their own way. I learned this coaching sports. I'm not a loud, fired-up coach, but one of my assistants is, and that's great. It means I don’t have to pretend to be something I’m not. Learn from as many people as you can and adopt their good ideas if they help you become a better leader. Implement things as you see fit.

However, as a supervisor, coach, and leader, you do not get a pass on spending time getting to know your people. A leader who wants loyalty but doesn’t make an effort to understand their team can’t be surprised when people decide to leave.